I know one thing that keeps me a crappy housewife is the idea of fairness. I grew up as a twin where my parents strived to make everything equal and fair. So I have engrained in my head this idea of fairness ... everything in life should be fair. Well once you become a wife and a mother, the reality is that nothing is truley fair. We as woman take on everything for our families. It is our nurturing role. My husband grew up with a Mom who did just that. She took care of everything for her family. In fact, in my eyes, she is superwoman because not only did she do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of kids, activities etc, she also ran a successful family business wiht my father in law. She did all the bookwork, invoicing, payroll etc. I dont think back then she was the kind of person who dwelled on whether ir was fair or not that she was working while do all the housewife work (2 full time jobs in my opinion). I think that was just her role that she accepted and she took pride in.
So now I come to my current situation. I stay at home with my kids as well as have many little part time jobs. We can't afford for me just to stay at home. The income I bring into the family is vital. Saturday I worked 11-2 at one job and 5-9 doing another job. Sunday I did a side job for a few hours. So we can say I was pretty busy over the weekend helping support my family. But I am also expected to do all the housework and while I was off all weekend earning money for the family (about $200), all the housework was piling up. And I am torn with this idea of fairness. Shouldn't my husband help with the housework especially while I am out working? Or is it all part of my job as a wife and mother and accept the reality that it will never be fair? Just something to ponder about ...
Mandi, I have walked in your shoes exactly! It seems you're vocalizing what my heart has felt throughout the years of marriage and kiddo. If there is any advice I can offer (which is feeble, I might add) it is this:
ReplyDelete1) If you haven't already, discuss this with the hubs. If it takes counseling, then do it! The hubs is probably already contributing in way of job/father/husband... but giving him responsibilities like trash, or morning dishes or sorting laundry is easy and helpful. It's worth hashing it out to prevent resentment and heartache pile up over the years.
2) Never (repeat, never!) feel like you should have to live your life in a way someone else lived (or is living). You are a different person with different values and comparing yourself to others will only make you feel unworthy and not-enough. Focus on your god-given gifts and let those shine.
3) Maybe letting stuff fall through the cracks is okay. So what if your house is a mess? You may be a "crappy" house-keeper, but I know you... and you're probably a wonderful wife, mother, friend, baker, joke-teller, hugger... and so many other non-crappy things!
4) Lastly, life isn't fair. It's true and I am still learning that in my own heart. But there is a difference between fairness and unhappiness. Your happiness and satisfaction is important! "If Momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Find moments to have happiness and throw all the "excuses" out the window! Have the hubs take the kiddos and do what you want to do!
I know how you feel since I'm a full time stay at home Mom now, but Kevin still helps. He doesn't do any mopping, vacumming, etc (but heck, I rarely do either) but he does help out at night. I make dinner and then one of us puts the baby to bed, the other does the dishes. I love both of us working together, makes me feel like a team and then we are both free to hang out together once the baby is asleep. You take care of the kids all day and the house, I think when both parents are at home, chores should be divided. Kevin's Mom did everything growing up, but in our house, we split some stuff. It's how we work as a team :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhen I say I am a bad housewife to my hubby, and he does his share of washing up and so on, he said that I am his wife not the house wife. I know how hard it is with kids and working so what I used to do was make a list. Once things are on a list they are contained as it were.
ReplyDeleteNowadays I am sick myself, so do less but I am easy enough about it.